There were almost no big surprises in the new federal budget. For science, (as discussed on this blog by Prof. Chronik) most of the changes were given earlier in the Jenkins report and concerned changes in research/industrial partnerships between NRC and the private sector. But no one reading the tea leaves was prepared for what was apparently a last minute addition by scientific policy advisors to Chapter 3, Supporting Jobs and Growth.

The Government requires all scientists, engineers and astrologers receiving federal funding to immediately use the following constants.

• the value of pi shall now be 22/7
• the following constants shall be increased by a surtax of 5%: the speed of light, the universal gas constant, Avogadro’s Number and the Love Number
• conversions from the metric to English system will now be tied to the Canadian dollar
• the Froude number may not be publicly displayed in any Federal building
• the value of the Hubble constant shall be revised to reflect the correct age of the Universe, 6000 years.
• the federal government is responsible for funding research which uses constants for the determination of irradiance, the provinces are responsible for funding research which includes determination of radiance.
• the provinces are responsible for funding any research involving the following constants: Loschmidt Number, Stefan-Boltzmann radiation constant, Rydberg constant and acceleration due to gravity.
• introduction of Stockwell’s number (number of unreported crimes occurring per minute in Canada).

Imagine from the University of Bergen’s Department of Mathematics website.

Easterly University of Northerly Ontario (formally Westward University of Southward Ontario) Professor of Lidarology R. J. Sica was called in by the Provost who had a most unusual problem. “We don’t understand it, but this winter students have been dropping like flies on campus during the day, particularly during the 10 min periods between class changes. Since your Department has all the brains in this place we thought you could solve the mystery.”

Prof. Sica replied he would get to the bottom of it, because frankly he really had nothing else to do in his cushy position except for occasionally diving out of the wall of falling valances. Here is part of the Executive Summary of his final report, which you can view in its entirety here.

Students were observed moving between classes. I notice a large fraction of one of the genders had Canada Goose South Pole Expedition parkas on. Having lived in interior Alaska for several long, cold, dark winters, I knew that these coats were typically uncomfortably warm in Fairbanks during January, when the average temperature was –25C. This winter the temperature seldom got down to +5C. However, as I watched the weak collapse in the herd of students leaving Nat Sci 145 I observed that not all the students in the parkas dropped. I had to be missing something. Then it came to me. The parkas were generating an additional 1000 W of body heat, but when worn with heels the excess heat could dump to the ground through the feet. The students who dropped were all wearing Uggs with the coats. The combination of the Canada Goose Expedition Parkas, Uggs and balmy temperatures were the perfect negative storm, producing temperatures equivalent to solar chromosphere near the body of the wearer.

These results were verified by Crow Emily, shown here standing barefoot in the Eureka, NWT as part of a 30 min experiment to determine if she would get cold or not. Funny, I haven’t heard anything back from her yet?

Word has leaked to this reporter that the Western University of Southern Ontario (formally UWO) has decided to stop work on Phase 3 of the Physics and Astronomy Building and jump immediately to a new “Phase 5” on Monday, April 2. “The contractors are quite upset at the job they have done so far” said my source, deftly pivoting out of the way of another valance jared from its perch. “So we said what’s the rush, let’s do it again better!”

To accommodate Phase 5 the entire east side of the building, including the Front Office, is required to be out of their offices and labs before 8am on Monday, April 2, when a team will arrive on site with a wrecking ball, as long reach excavators are nowhere near as fun. Phase 5 is targeted for completion in August, 2015.

And they go as 1/r^3, right or am I "boring" you.

Etymology Man